Matt and I have been broken up for a little over a month now. This would be the longest we've been a part since the first time we got back together. It's been quite a roller coaster of emotion through this one month and of moving from one guy to the next, which of course I know was a mistake. I told myself I could make myself happy without the escort of a man. But I must say that it has been the greatest month I've had in a very long time and that I have no regrets about it.
I feel proud to say that I'm getting stronger by realizing what I was doing to myself. I feel proud that I could finally take myself out of that relationship that has been hurting me so long. But I don't feel proud to say that I'm not strong enough to let it all go completely. I've had opinions here and there saying that I should just do what makes me happy. What I'm worried about is what would hurt more rather than what would make me happy because I guess in a way, I already know what will make me happy. The advice my friends give me are vague and hard to read because it's basically along the lines of "I just want you to be happy" or "just got with what you feel." But this whole problem is a mix of logic and emotion. Moreso emotion and I was never good with that to begin with.
So the whole decision is between Matt or absolute freedom. Freedom does sound really appealing and that is what I'm leaning more towards but I haven't fully decided yet. Choosing Matt doesn't mean that we will get back together. It just means that I would take my focus off of all other guys and "emotional" distractions and steer it towards him and our relationship. Pretty much the equal of being tied down, it just doesn't have a title. The small part of me thats keeping me from stating my decision is the part where I want to see how it would be one more time. But I don't know if thats out of the comfort of the relationship I had with him or because I really do love him and believe that he's changed. I just figured that I'll know when I see him. That's when emotion will take over, hopefully. But as for now, I'm loving the freedom.
